Saturday, August 4, 2007

Crisis of Confidence

I'm working on my application to begin my doctorate. That's not true. I'm procrastinating working on my application for my doctorate. I've gone as far as requesting a couple of references, updating my resume, perusing the requirements for my statement of purpose, reading 400 pages of Harry Potter, downloading a couple of songs on iTunes, reading a few blogs....

Get the idea?

The degree will be an EdD(Doctor of Education)rather than a research based PhD I think it will have more practical application for me. It definitely will if I become any more deeply involved in the Association work that I've done for the past couple of years.

What's the problem?

I remember being a high school sophomore sitting in class listening to a presentation about study skills and college success and knowing, believing actually, that I would never graduate from college. I knew that college degrees were for smart people and I was an average to below average high school student. Truly... I was bored. I never really tried very hard. Why would I need to? I wasn't going to go to college.

I went to college.

I passed classes. I failed classes. I retook those classes. Somehow I graduated. I had a Bachelors degree in public relations.

Years passed. I decided to go back to school and concurrently pursue my teacher certification and a Masters degree. I was scared to death that somebody would find out that I wasn't smart enough to earn a Masters degree so I worked my butt off and got a 4.0 in every class. I think everybody gets a 4.0 in their grad classes though, right?

Now I'm staring at this application. I see the official looking crest and the letterhead. I scan the proposed sequence of course work and the suggestion of hours per week to be successful. There's no way I'll be accepted.

What if that happens?

Will I be so disappointed that I give up the goal? Will I accept that as proof of what I suspected all along? Will I find another way? Maybe I'll just get another Masters degree.

What if I'm accepted?

That could be worse couldn't it? Just think of all of the writing and the reading and the quantitative and qualitative research. When will I grade papers? When will I play with my kids? When will I take my wife out to dinner? What if they find out I'm not good enough. What if I find out I'm not good enough?

Will making the effort have been enough?

4 comments:

Professor Howdy said...



Hello!
Very good posting.
Thank you - Have a good day!!!



:O)

The Original MAJ said...

I am envious of you that you are this much closer to getting your doctorate. I still have a good 6 years.

Tea said...

What have you got to lose?

It's hard. It's really really hard. You find a way to make it work. You set an excellent example for your kids; you still manage to take your wife to dinner (even if it's taco bell); you grade papers; you train.

You're a better person because you tried something few people do.

I am the Big Bad Wolf said...

"Years passed. I decided to go back to school and concurrently pursue my teacher certification and a Masters degree. I was scared to death that somebody would find out that I wasn't smart enough to earn a Masters degree so I worked my butt off and got a 4.0 in every class. I think everybody gets a 4.0 in their grad classes though, right?"

That's exactly what I did! But I never finished. Good for you!